It’s that time of year again!
The leaves are changing (in places other than LA). Bachelor mansion is dormant (for now). And of course, we got that Pumpkin Spice pumping through our veins like it is literally our life blood. It’s also one of two times per year that celebs strap on their flexible heels and hit the dance floor to entertain us in a variety of styles, from tango to jive to whatever style is closest to the best move they can already do.
That’s right, it’s time for Dancing with the Stars. Specifically, it’s time for night one of Dancing with the Stars, during which we find out for the first time whether or not those stars can, in fact, dance.
And it turns out that many of them can! Sure, there’s some questionable footwork out there, but nothing that a little more rehearsal can’t help. All in all, it was a very good time. Like, really good. Let’s get down to it!
Terrell Owens and Cheryl Burke: 15/30
That was exactly like the first dance of nearly every other football player who has graced this ballroom, so it was fun, but it all depends on what happens when he actually starts learning to dance for real.
Debbie Gibson and Alan Bursten: 17/30
Debbie’s very elegant but her story was much more memorable than her dance. Hopefully newbie Alan can mix some things up next week.
Sasha Pieterse and Gleb Savchenko: 18/30
Alison DiLaurentis ain’t dead, and she can dance! Sasha was very middle of the pack this week but with some fun routines (maybe dress Gleb up in those glasses again?) she could stand out a lot better.
Drew Scott and Emma Slater: 16/30
Of course Emma met Drew in an unfinished house. Of course Drew can relate dancing to the karate moves he knows. Of course they danced to a song about a house. Of course Len used the term “fixer upper” in his critique. And of course Jonathan was there in support to keep up the brotherly brand.
Let’s just say Drew desperately needs all of those reminders of what he does and why people love him if he wants to make it past the first couple weeks of this competition, ’cause the dancing’s not gonna do it.
Barbara Corcoran and Keo Motsepe: 14/30
QUEEN BARBARA! Keo is looking better than ever and we have no idea if Barbara can actually dance but we do know for sure that she can rule the dance floor in style and we’d like her to stay on this show as long as possible please, no matter how many very rude 4s Len throws at her.
Jordan Fisher and Lindsay Arnold: 22/30
OK, this guy is so good that it might not be fair to the other contestants, but like…we love Jordan so much that we don’t actually care. Our reaction to him gliding across that dance floor was very Carrie Ann Inaba-esque. Wowza.
Nick Lachey and Peta Murgatroyd: 18/30
Nick was exactly what we expected him to be, and that is neither good nor bad. It just is. His wife definitely overshadowed him.
Vanessa Lachey and Maks Chmerkovskiy: 21/30
Vanessa is very good at dancing with a baby stroller and at dancing in general, but we are having a lot of trouble forgiving this show for taking a Kesha song and changing “motherf–king woman” with “mother mother woman.” That doesn’t make any sense, ABC.
Frankie Muniz and Witney Carson: 19/30
We’ve always loved Frankie Muniz very much, but we didn’t consider until this moment just how much we’d be rooting for Frankie Muniz on Dancing with the Stars. Malcolm in the Middle! Agent Cody Banks! Big Fat Liar! He’s a millennial king and if there are other millennials watching this show, he’s gonna get those votes.
Nikki Bella and Artem Chigvintsev: 20/30
We will not complain if every single one of Nikki’s dances ends with a wrestling move, because damn does it feel good to have a badass lady on the dance floor who is, as she says, more used to body slamming other girls than looking elegant. Sometimes DWTS could use some body slamming.
Derek Fisher and Sharna Burgess: 18/30
Congrats to the DWTS music team for finding a song where most of the lyrics are “basketball.” This was a very basketball-y dance, so we’re looking forward to seeing what Derek does with dances that do not involve basketball.
Victoria Arlen and Val Chmerkovskiy: 19/30
Carrie Ann said it best when she said that was one of the most joyous performances she had ever seen on this show, because Victoria looked so freakin’ happy on that dance floor. She was pretty good, even without considering the fact that she can’t feel her legs! How do you even do that?!
Lindsey Sterling and Mark Ballas: 22/30
OK, this is a PERFECT pairing, and she’s already completely incredible. That looked way too easy for her, and there’s already way too much competition at the head of the pack. It’s week one! This feels rude! Who will we choose for our DWTS office pool?!
We’re stressed, but also kind of excited because that was the most exciting premiere in years.
Dancing with the Stars airs Mondays at 8 p.m. on ABC.